announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- rachel mcadams, author and twitter phenom kelly oxford, and music from kid rock, with cleto and the cletones, and now, if that's not enough, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very nice. thank you so much. thank you for watching. thank you for braving the storm to be here tonight.

it is very windy tonight, huh? there were high wind advisories california. did you feel it as you were in line? poor kid rock was rehearsing on the outdoor stage. he had to smoke an electronic cigarette. this is what the news is like in l.a. if you've ever wondered, this is from our local nbc affiliate last night. if there is even a hint of inclement weather on the way, our local news channels grab it and run. >> you can see behind me clearly that the winds are picking up in intensity. add to it, the cold. a sample of the winds behind me. take a look. and this is just the beginning. >> jimmy: oh, my god. you picked a bad night to be a bush, that's for sure. [ applause ] of course, nothing really happens. a couple of trees fell down which is good, i guess. still feel cheated. when you predict high winds, you

at least want to see a hilton sister blow away, right? former british prime minister margaret thatcher passed away today. she was 87 years old. and -- really? of course, that's always the case now when anyone passes away. it is all over social media. you're trending, your hashtag. there was a hashtag that came on saying now that thatcher is dead. i guess we've had a number of high profile deaths over the last few days but some people read it like this. now that cher is dead. they thought cher died. there was panic in the gay community. don't worry, she did not. i teach a yoga class every monday morning in malibu. she was there as always. do you know the name ray j? shame on you. ray j is a person who is famous because his sister brandy is a singer and he was also the

co-star/cinematographer on the kim kardashian sex tape. it is what you call a fine pedigree. apparently ray j is a singer, too. he released a new song that presumably refers to his relationship with kim kardashian. it is called, i hit it first. i have no doubt it is a lovely wistful ode to lost romance. this is one of the lines from the song. he said she might move on to rappers and ball players but we all know i hit it first. yes, we do, and we will never forgive you for that. the song, it is the first single off his new album titled the only thing people know about me is that i had sex with kim kardashian. available everywhere. i'm sure kim's boyfriend kanye west will take this well. he is very level headed. right now, kanye is in the studio recording a song called,

yeah, but i made it pregnant. and you know, by the way -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. the truth is, ray j is wrong. he claim he was the first to hit it. the truth is he was just, the first to tape it. there is a big difference. last night on nbc, they ran a new episode of all-star celebrity "the apprentice." and gary busey is a treasure. they were tabbed with creating a new ad campaign for a new skin campaign for donald's wife malaria. is it malaria? and his team won the challenge thanks in part to enthusiasm like this. >> she is mrs. trump. her beauty lives 5,000 miles past heaven. have you ever had your genitalia so excited that it spins like a ferris wheel in a carnival run? that's how beautiful she is. >> jimmy: well, that's beautiful. [ applause ] by the way, if your genitalia

spins like a ferris wheel at a carnival ride for more than four hours, consult a physician. here's a video i've been trying to get to for a few days. reverend miller spotted an older gentleman playing with numchucks of the parking lot of the food lion. not only did he get it on tape, he provided some of the finest play by play commentary this sports fan has ever heard. >> my man, he out here doing it. that's right. i'm 58, 63 years old, on the side of my pickup truck in food lion. and i whip the fool upside his head. i'm out here practicing. getting ready for easter sunday. jesus going to rise up, i am going on whip the devil right out here in the parking lot. radio plan, sunglasses, ain't no sun, it's cloudy. but i'm out here with my gloves and my numchucks. one man, one lord, one faith,

one baptism, two numchucks. up in the air like mary lou retton, pow, behind the back. that hurts, uh-huh, yes. shake it off, homey, shake it off. put that finger up. yeah, buddy, time to call it quits. looks like the devil won this one, folks. get back in the car. get me a band-aid. shake it off. shake it off. >> i love that. [ applause ] pretty sure he just wrote a rough outline of the plot to karate kid v. numchucks, it's got everything. students at a middle school in massachusetts have been engaging in a dangerous new game they call big booting. a kid puts on a pair of heavy work boots. walks up behind another student and kicks that student in the head as hard as he can.

it is a strategy game. how is that a game? monopoly is a game. this is just kicking someone in the head. apparently it is becoming a major problem for the school. so far, seven students have been suspended for big booting and one is facing criminal charges. these kids like big boots and they cannot lie. i think i may have a solution to this. you can still, the kids can still have fun. why not play with ugg boots. that way no one gets hurt. this is an interesting invention. a german gentleman, he goes by the name jorg. he invents a lot of things but he has patented a new system for delivering condoms. for years we've been unrolling condoms by hand. it takes a lot of time. but that's soon to be a thing of the past. >> let me show you its feature. in the front we have a piece of leather with a slot in it so it can adjust to the size.

of course, it has a trigger. so you can shoot. you put this over it. and then you -- it is perfectly attached. >> jimmy: what did they do to c3p 0? that's convenient, practical. hang on a minute. let me just get the trigger in place. germany is a strange and terrifying place. i'm going to take a minute and uptate you on the saga of justin bieber's monkey. in case you didn't read "the new york times" this morning, he he named that monkey mally and tried to take mally on tour with him. unfortunately when he got to munich in germany, he dependent have the proper paperwork required to bring a monkey in the country, so mally was guarantee teened in a german animal shelter there. a german animal shelter. this happened on march 28th. mally has been in prison ever

since. the officials told him if he wants his monkey back, he had four weeks to file the paperwork. now they are trying to talk him out of the monkey altogether. the director of the shelter said a baby monkey is not suitable to be on a world tour even if he is traveling by private jet. he should be out in the wild climbing trees and learning from other monkeys so he doesn't have serious psychological problems later in life. it is kind of hard to tell if he is talking about the monkey or justin bieber there. [ applause ] >> jimmy: he may have a point. in any case, i think it's a travesty that germany hill staz justin bieber's monkey. they have no right to it. i issued an ultimatum last week. if they do not return the monkey to justin bieber by this thursday at midnight, we are going to kill david hasselhoff. germany takes something we love. we take something they love. it is as simple as that. to show them i mean business, right now live on the show, we

are going to destroy this german chocolate cake. guillermo, are you ready for this? >> ready. >> jimmy: we have packed this case with 20 ounces of c-4. it is wrapped with industrial caps to make sure it blows. i want to you ask yourself, germany, are you prepared to go all way with this? >> try. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: let's see that again in slow motion. did you see that? i'm ready to do whatever german chocolate takes and i am not alone in this either. >> hi. i'm kid rock. the germans have exactly four days to send home bieber's monkey or we off the hoff. simple as that, folks. do what's right or mr. bay watch

bites the big one. later, homies. >> jimmy: kid rock doesn't fool around. if would you like to help free mally the monkey, please tweet congressman or the senator or first lady, whomever, with this hashtag. free biebers monkey. for every monkey i free, an underprivileged child gets his own monkey. so please, do whatever you can. thank you. we're going to take a quick break. we come back, there is more strange meat at ikea. we have little kids reading things they probably shouldn't. plus, rachel mcadams, kelly oxford and music from kid rock. alright, kid, let's get ready for this morning's quiz. christopher columbus sailed the ocean blue... in 14 hundred 92. nice! follow me.

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backed by the low price guarantee. >> jimmy: welcome back. rachel mcadams, kelly oxford and kid rock will be with us shortly. it is hard to believe ikea is having more problems with their meat. last month you may remember there was a story about problems with horse meat. and then before that, animal feces were found in some of their cakes. and now, ikea has pulled 17,000 portions of moose lasagna from their stores in europe after they found traces of pork in it. really? that bad? i would rather find pork in my moose lasagna than moose in my pork lasagna. who even knew pork lasagna was a thing. moose lasagne sounds like

something bullies would make you eat at summer camp. or italian night at sarah palin's house. but i think the big -- question is, how is all this weird stuff getting into ikea food? it's a little strange, right? i'm thinking about from now on, i might only eat at jennifer convertibles. russian president vladimir putin got a surprise today. he was in amsterdam meeting with german chancellor angela merkel. he was approached by a topless gay rights activist. a woman with her shirt on. that's angela merkel in the green. if you widen out, you see -- [ applause ] we do not doctor that photograph in any way. that's vlad. in a press conference later, they asked him about the protest and he said, i liked it. so mission accomplished, i guess. there was a new episode of, do you watch this, the real house wives of orange county was on bravo tonight. [ applause ]

don't get too excited with yourselves. there are a ton of these real house wives show and bravo isn't slowing down. real house wives of atlanta had the premier last night. they're watching another one this weekend. this one promises to be the realest one yet. >> from the producers of the real house wives of orange county, the real house wives of new york. the real house wives of atlanta. the real house wives of new jersey. the real house wives of beverly hills and the real house wives of miami. get ready for the realest real house wives ever. the real house wives who are really, real house wives. >> did you paint this and put in it here? that's disgusting! >> only on bravo. >> why? why?

[ cheers and applause ] >> it's good reality tv. that's why. guillermo, how are you doing? how is everything going? >> great, jimmy. >> jimmy: did you have a great weekend? over the weekend, i enjoy reading your tweets. guillermo on saturday tweeted this. a capital a and a lower case a. and then on sunday, he followed it up with this tweet. was that the tequila tweeting? >> that was my son. >> jimmy: is son benji is 18 months old? >> 16 months old. >> jimmy: he may be trying to summon satan with that word. i don't know. he sent a tweet before he can talk. that's remarkable. he's teething and tweeting. he's tweething right now. on the subject of twitter, we have one of the world's funniest tweeters here with us tonight. a very talented woman named kelly oxford. she just wrote a new book. since there are a lot of you probably not familiar with her

book, we thought it would be fun to have some of the kids read some of the tweets to you. we're right, it was fun. take a look. >> is it yoga if you swear sweatpants and then hunch over the garbage can eating a burrito? >> she lays an egg that lady gaga came out of. >> if your boyfriend complains about your pms this month, remind him that you could have been pregnant instead. >> buying clothing at h&m reminds me that children are terrible at sewing. >> kids, if you want to [ bleep ] the biggest at your party, leave acoustic guitar out. >> it is a prequel to 16 and pregnant. >> i like those glasses suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes.

>> it is like a choose your own adventure book where the ending is always cancer. >> when you stop taking drugs to trip out and start taking drugs to feel normal. >> jimmy: look at that. we have a good show for you tonight. kelly oxford is with us. we have music from kid rock and we'll be right back with rachel mcadams. ,, [ male announcer ] ah, a couple of college hoops rivals

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, a very funny woman with a new book called "everything is perfect when you're a liar," kelly oxford is here. and then, this is his latest album -- it's called "rebel soul," the indestructible kid rock from the sony outdoor stage. kid rock's tour kicks off june 28th, and this is cool, all tickets go for only $20. [ cheers and applause ] he's having a sale-a-bration.

>> jimmy: tomorrow night, rosario dawson will be here, as will nicole richie. and we'll have music from foals. and later this week -- tom cruise, jason bateman, chadwick boseman, kesha, and music from paramore and alice in chains. join us for those. >> jimmy: you know our next guest from various movies with titles like "wedding crashers", "midnight in paris" and "the notebook." her latest, alongside ben affleck, is called "to the wonder." it opens in theaters friday, please welcome rachel mcadams. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you look great. i don't know a lot about fashion. would that be called a jump suit? no? have i said something terrible? is that bad? >> it is not a jump suit. >> jimmy: what would you call that? >> well, a shirt and a pair of pants. >> jimmy: see, i don't know all the technical terminology. interesting. shirt and a pair of pants.

how about that? you are a canadian, as people know. and i feel we should get out to the audience so they understand, you know. but unlike many canadian entertainers who become successful in the united states, you still live in canada. >> i do, i do. i live in toronto, yeah. >> jimmy: do you find that that makes it difficult for you to work and do the stuff that you need to do? >> no. i mean if you, you know, i'm fine -- actually i'm not fine with flying but i do fly. so you can -- >> jimmy: you can fly? in the jump suit? or is this -- >> only in a jump suit. yeah. but no, it is really nice to live at home. >> jimmy: i would think so. and people, you have a nice lifestyle there? are photographers chasing you around? that kind of thing? >> it is not a lucrative place for paparazzi. >> jimmy: that's nice.

>> i don't even own a car. you know, i just walk everywhere. i ride my bike. and i live in a nice little quiet neighborhood. >> jimmy: where do you ride your bike to? >> anywhere i need to go. >> jimmy: like you'll go to the supermarket or whatever? >> yeah, yeah. i have a wonderful little market area by my house where i get everything i need. and i have the best grocer. >> jimmy: do you? really? you walk in, he's like, hey, what's happening, rachel? >> totally, totally. >> got some nice apples for you. >> he always has like a little something special. come here. i got something from quebec. like maple syrup, they only made ten bottles. >> jimmy: i like that. so he'll save you a bottle of the maple syrup. >> yeah. so i went in recently. we were chatting and i said i was having a hard time sleeping. and he said, well, i've got something for you.

and i'm like, oh, okay. he takes me to the back and he pulls out this little bottle with no label. and it is full of this dark green substance. and he says, you know, take a whiff of that. and it is like -- well, it's marijuana. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. and i was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. i want to sleep. i don't want to get high. and he said no, no, this will put you to sleep. i mean, it's not going to get you high. it's just going to, you know, and i was like, okay. all right. i was pretty desperate at the time. so that night i'm getting ready for bed. and i take the tiniest teaspoon. tiny little teaspoon. i brush my teeth. by the time i'm getting into bed, i'm like -- what's

happening? i was not thinking normal human thoughts. >> jimmy: were you hallucinating? >> i was hallucinating. i was totally hallucinating. and i'm like, cursing him. i can't believe this is en and then i started to hear opera. and for like five hours, i heard opera. this guy singing opera in my head. i was going crazy. >> jimmy: is it possible there was someone opera somewhere nearby? no? >> maybe. >> jimmy: maybe clicked on the satellite radio or something like that? >> maybe. let's think so. >> jimmy: so did you go back and have a word with your grocer? >> i did. i said i'm really upset with you. he said, oh, it didn't put you to sleep? and then i realized, i really looked at him. and his eyes were like this big.

and i was like, you're a stoner. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's just describing what he knows. this is that canadian health care we hear so much about. stop by the am/pm and you get a canful of drugs. we're going to take a quick break. your new movie is called "to the wonder." rachel mcadams is here with us. we'll be right back. ♪ shoot. now with the share everything plan from verizon, connect your camera, along with your smartphone and tablet. all your devices connected by one simple plan on the powerful network. record video. connect more. so you can do more. the share everything plan from verizon.

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♪ that is rachel mcadams. in "to the wonder." it opens in theaters on friday. now, first of all, ben affleck, he is just a dream boat, right? to start with? >> yeah. he really is. >> jimmy: and secondly you were surrounded by buffalo or bison,

or is it the same thing? >> you know, i still don't know the answer to that. >> jimmy: is it dangerous? from what i understand, it is not good to be in the middle of buffalo. >> you're right. it is not. and they look harmless. they're sort of, you know, they have all that hair and those funny legs and they don't look like they could -- >> jimmy: they're big and they're on little tiny -- >> things, yeah. so you think, what could happen? and people are like, make no mistakes. like the buffalo wranglers, they're so fast. if they decide to charge you, i mean, that's it. you're done. it's over. >> jimmy: how do you keep them from charging you? >> well, that's why the car is there. to kind of hide behind the car. >> jimmy: the plan is to hide behind the car if there's any trouble? >> yeah. or get on top. but the camera is just a million miles away and it is just ben and i out there. >> jimmy: great. they're safe. is getting on top of the car, that was really the plan? because if they hit the car,

aren't you coming right off the car? who told to you get on top of the car? >> the director. get up on the car, yeah. >> jimmy: this is a director that you hear actors say they would love to work with him. why is that about him? why is he somebody people go out of their way to work with him? >> he just makes amazing films. i think he is one of a kind. and the process is so interesting, too. and i think he is just a real, there are only so many. >> jimmy: are you allergic to animals like that? i know you brought a couple of photographs here. tell us what we're looking at here. what the story behind this is. >> this is my eye. that's my left eye. >> jimmy: who did this to you? [ laughter ] >> yeah.

that's the horse. >> jimmy: from the horse. >> from the horse, yeah. so when terry asked me to do the film, it was an easy yes. i just said, it is like a dream come true. the best day of my life. and then his second question was, do you like horses? and i said, i love horses. i love horses. >> jimmy: this was a lie? >> i'm so deathly allergic, terrified and also allergic. >> jimmy: is it acting or lying at that point when you tell somebody that? >> a thin line, yeah. >> jimmy: so you told him you were all right with the horses and this is how you were punished for that. it almost looks like lips with an eye in the middle with the eye. that looks like after you go to the grocer or something. wait a minute. did your grocery guy have -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's a beautiful movie. you say it's an art house movie? there's not a lot of talking in

the movie. >> not a lot of talking, no. a lot of beautiful sweeping landscape. it is a gorgeous film. it is really, i feel like it is poetry on film. >> jimmy: it is. it really is. i know that sounds like one of those actor things but it definitely is. i watched it today. go see it, it is called to wonder. ,, ♪ ♪ ♪ the new blackberry z10 with time shift and blackberry balance.

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>> jimmy: our next guest was a normal canadian mom and housewife whose abnormal jokes and observations built her a strong following on twitter and tumblr and now has a very funny new book.

titled "everything is perfect when you're a liar." please say hello to kelly oxford. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you look very cute. how are you? i like that dress. is that called a jump suit? >> it is a dress. this isn't a top and pants. >> jimmy: i'm learning so much. what is this you have here? >> well, as you know, my family just moved down to los angeles from canada. >> jimmy: right. >> in a very l.a. style, we moved into a house that was once owned or lived in by somebody famous. and that person was gary oldman. so i started collecting his mail to give to you. because i know he is a friend of the show. >> jimmy: he does. he come to the show. >> i thought, how do i get gary oldman his mail? and i thought jimmy kimmel might be a really great way. >> jimmy: can we go through it? >> i haven't opened it. i pride myself on not opening his mail.

>> jimmy: well, sure. this is from someone named kathy. a special events person. what is this? >> that's the united nations. he didn't forward, he didn't give them his forwarding address. >> jimmy: there are two from them. tell us what this is. >> this is holiday coupons for gary. barnes and noble. i love this. >> jimmy: a letter from perhaps a crazy person. >> this is from a crazy person or something. i feel really bad for this person. >> jimmy: why? >> if they're watching the show tonight, they're like, oh, well, that's why i never got a response. maybe they felt really happy that they know gary never got the letter and he wasn't -- >> jimmy: a great excuse for gary never to write anyone back

on anything. that's great. you have to be careful stealing mail from gary. he knows batman. >> right. and he's dracula. >> jimmy: i'm sure you're tired of hearing your story but for those who don't know it. you're writing. you had a blog for many years. how old were you? >> i got on the internet as soon as i found out what it was in the early '90s. because i knew could i put anything on there and nobody would edit me and i could get my writing out there. i've been online forever and ever over. facebook still feels like a baby to me. i've been on there so long. >> while many people think of you as an overnight sensation, you've been at it for a long time. >> every day since like the mid '90s. and every time there would be a new website that would pop up that people would gravitate toward, i would twitter was one of those websites that came up. >> jimmy: unlike a famous person

where they have a twitter account, you became famous from having a twitter account. >> after being online so many years, i knew why people went to their computer during the day at work. >> jimmy: pornography, right? >> yeah. why didn't i go with pornography? i would have made money a lot faster. >> then you got interest from hollywood. from various producers and television networks. and of course, this book as well. was it fun for you to write this many words in a row? >> writing a book is very, very boring. it is very boring. but it was great to get out huge stories. i couldn't do it online. >> jimmy: there are stories that are probably too long to tell including you as a teenager deciding to come to los angeles to find -- >> lenardo dicaprio. it made so much sense to me at the time. i read that he would be in the titanic. it was going to come out at christmas. i was like, oh, that sucks for

me because he'll be an a-lister once this movie comes out. i saw him on gilbert grape and i fell in love with him. >> jimmy: have you met him yet? >> no. >> jimmy: you did not >> jimmy: you did not find him. >> no. i didn't find him. i did find a meth head pizza driver and andy dick gave me weed. >> jimmy: he waits at l.a.x. as people enter the united states, he hands you a little baggy of weed. >> yeah, welcome to los angeles. >> jimmy: your husband is an environmental engineer. he found himself in the unique position of having to leave his job in canada to come and look after the kids. how is he enjoying that? >> i think he is enjoying it. he has this method where he teaches them, you know, what they shouldn't do by doing these things. >> jimmy: what is that method exactly? >> there was a pool cover on a pool. and he was like, guys, pool covers are very dangerous. don't go on them. don't go under them. watch, watch. and he goes under the pool cover and tried to swim to the other side of the pool. and halfway through, he stood up.

not realizing that if you stand up under a pool cover, the entire thing will suction to your body and he had absolutely no oxygen. the whole thing stuck to his body and he almost died and all the kids were standing there going yeah, dad was right. >> jimmy: it is an effective lesson. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i have to say, the book is very, very funny and your twitter feed is very, very funny. @kelly oxford. it is called everything is perfect when you're a liar. we'll be right back with kid rock. >> jimmy: his album and tour are

called, "rebel soul." here with a new version of his old favorite, kid rock! [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ ♪ it was 1989 my thoughts were short my hair was long caught somewhere between ♪ ♪ a boy and man she was seventeen and she was far from in-between ♪ ♪ it was summertime in northern michigan ahh ahh ahh ♪ ♪ splashing through the sand bar talking by the campfire it's the simple things ♪ ♪ in life like when and where we didn't have no internet but man ♪ ♪ i never will forget the way the moonlight shined upon her hair ♪ we were trying different

things we were smoking funny things ♪ ♪ making love out by the lake to our favorite song ♪ ♪ sipping whiskey out the bottle not thinking 'bout tomorrow singing sweet home alabama ♪ ♪ all summer long singing sweet home alabama all summer long ♪ ♪ catching walleye from the dock watching the waves roll off the rocks ♪ ♪ she'll forever hold a spot inside my soul we'd blister in the sun we couldn't wait ♪ ♪ for night to come to hit california and play some rock and roll ♪ ♪ and we were trying different things we were smoking funny things ♪ ♪ making love out by the lake to our favorite song ♪ ♪ sipping whiskey out the bottle

not thinking 'bout tomorrow singing ♪ ♪ sweet home alabama all summer long singing sweet home alabama ♪ ♪ all summer long make a little noise out there! ♪ ♪

♪ and we were trying different things we were smoking funny things ♪

♪ making love out by the lake to our favorite song ♪ ♪ sipping whiskey out the bottle not thinking 'bout tomorrow singing ♪ ♪ sweet home alabama all summer long singing sweet home alabama ♪ ♪ all summer long sweet home alabama ♪ ♪ all summer long singing sweet home alabama ♪ singing sweet home alabama ♪ ♪ all summer long singing sweet home alabama ♪ ♪ all summer long singing sweet, sweet ♪ [ cheers and applause ] kid rock. tickets are only $20. you can't beat that. i want to thank rachel mcadams and kelly oxford. tomorrow, rosario dawson, nicole richie and musical guest foals. good night! ♪